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28 October 2009 @ 02:52 pm
Checking in..  
I think I'm doing a bit better these days. I'm getting out more and spending time with friends whereas before, I was just sort of shut in the house. I still have a hard time with mornings and afternoons, though. I wake up and immediately feel like I don't want to be awake. I usually eat and then go back to bed. It seems to take me most of the day to muster up the enthusiasm or at least the drive to go out to whatever I have to do in the evenings. I still have strange thoughts all the time, mostly about life and how it is that people just get up and go about their day. It's really weird... even when I'm watching TV, for example, I'll see a guest on the Jerry Springer show who is there to tell his wife that he is cheating on her with an albino midget or whatever, and all I think is, "How did that guy get out of bed this morning? How did he get up, wander into his kitchen, eat his cereal and have a shower without thinking about how weird and bizaare everything is? How did he get dressed and leave the house to go and have sex with the albino midget, feeling comfortable with himself and confident and not over-analyzing the things that he says and does??"

My mom is really pissed off at me because of my habit of sleeping and staying in the house most of the day. She's stopped talking to me about it and just sort of stomps around the house now and offers me icy responses to my questions. I feel pretty alone but at the same time, it seems that the less I talk about how I'm feeling, the more I am able to get on with things. I try to imagine living alone and how I would feel/cope if I didn't have my parents around all the time. In some weird way, I think having them around as a constant sounding board for my feelings is making me worse. I am really dissatisfied with my life and everything about myself at the moment. I've sort of been seeing this guy... well, not really, but we get baked, watch movies and sometimes we kiss. I met him at the hospital, actually, and I like spending time with him because I feel like I can talk about how I'm feeling... but the only thing is, he's kind of... not so smart. Not to be mean or anything, but his spelling is atrocious and he is not really as quick-witted as I would like. To make matters worse, I have a huge crush on his roomate, and in a drunken stupour last night, sent the roomate a FB message telling him that I think he's cute! DOH! He hasn't written back and I doubt that he will.

I wish I didn't do stupid things like sleep all day, get drunk and/or stoned every night and hit on people I should steer clear of. I really don't understand why my life has become this way and why I do the things that I do. I hate every day and the constant feeling of being ill at ease with myself and questioning everything I do. I hate myself for what I do but I can't seem to stop doing it, you know? Getting drunk or stoned is the only time when I feel confident and able to come out of my shell. If my counsellors knew this, they'd have a field day. I wish I was strong and independent and didn't have to answer to people like this. I wish that none of this had ever happened to me, that I had been able to continue on in my old life, feeling okay with decisions I had made and drinking without guilt or remorse and not looking elsewhere desperately for approval and assurance that I am okay and normal. I should not have to shell out tons of money for prescriptions and counselling appts and should not have to attend group therapy classes. I am almost 30 years old; I should be married or have kids, I should have a career and be running a household. I should see my parents twice or three times a year for holiday dinners and be glad to get away from them when the night is over.
 
 
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DSA: bwabfackeln on November 13th, 2010 09:14 am (UTC)
..
hey. you probably don't remember me. it's been a long while and even then we never really knew each other. but when i read this i feel compelled to contact you even though it probably wouldn't help. and things are probably very different now.

i hope you're doing better.
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lijucity on April 9th, 2011 02:03 am (UTC)
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