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28 August 2009 @ 03:32 pm
Striving  
Things are still not great. It's this constant restlessness that plagues me day and night. When I am at home, I don't know what do to with myself. I pace, I smoke. I sit down and try to read my emails but find that I don't want to engage in that for longer than a minute. I don't want to pratice my guitar or do any housework. I continually sabotague myself by not going to work, only to find that I am grow exceedingly restless as the day wears on. I want to sleep to escape having to find something to do with myself. Even sitting down to write this entry is an effort.

When I am out with people, the same feeling applies. I feel anxiousness and stir-crazy, like I can't sit still and am consistently discontent with whatever I'm doing. I don't seem to be able to derive pleasure from anything anymore. I also can't seem to get out of my own head. I think constantly about how I'm feeling and can't just make myself go out and get on with the day, or enjoy any activities that the day may bring.

I have decided to go off of my drugs. Despite reading some pretty horrendous stories about side effects when doing so, I still feel that I want to have a clear head and to see if being drug free will make any sort of difference.

I just want to scream most of the time.
 
 
Current Mood: blahblah
Current Music: Architecture In Helsinki - Nevereverdid
 
 
 
Whirly Birdcukoo4cocopuffs on September 24th, 2009 03:35 pm (UTC)
I hope you are okay.