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24 August 2009 @ 08:12 pm
Weariness  
Things are still not great for me. I am in a low point, as we've taken to calling it, where I just constantly feel ill at ease and like I want to get away from myself. It's not even an "I'm feeling bad about myself" sort of thing... it's a literal feeling of dread and wanting to escape.

I didn't go to work today. I somehow seem to feel that, by sleeping in, I'll be able to miss the day, that it will pass right by me and I won't have to live it. Try as I might, though, the day is still there, and I still have to get up and accomplish things, and work through these terrible thoughts that assail me.

I went to the gym tonight and before my workout, I felt this utter terror and panic, as though I were going to go crazy or scream at any moment. When I get into these states, reality seems skewered. I fear the simplest, most mundane of tasks. The thought of spending time with friends, of being out and about, weighs on me with a heavy dread. I don't understand how it is that I have become this way and how other people sail through life without giving strange, extitential thoughts a passing glance.

No one really knows what is going on with me or what is causing this. Counsellors cannot offer anything much and I've been snowed with medication by my psychiatrist, but the feelings remain. Everyone tells me that it's all in my head and that I have to learn to help myself. I just wish I could get through the day without feeling this way. I've been praying a lot, bargaining with God, even claiming that, if He will make this subside, I will become confirmed at the church where I sing. I don't know if He can hear me.
 
 
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Current Music: Hot Chip - Crap Kraft Dinner
 
 
 
The Confessionalilion on August 25th, 2009 04:57 am (UTC)
When I was young (and my depression really starting to take hold of me) I did a lot of bargaining with God. The fact that the bargains were never answered was one of the things that led me down me early teen anti-religious phase.

When I grew out of that and took a new consideration of things it occurred to me that prayer is not about getting things or having travails lifted, but for drawing strength to face those travails.

But for the last many years I've been very unsure of my own spiritual path, so perhaps I'm not the best commenter on such things.

I would really like to see you soon.