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28 October 2009 @ 02:52 pm
I think I'm doing a bit better these days. I'm getting out more and spending time with friends whereas before, I was just sort of shut in the house. I still have a hard time with mornings and afternoons, though. I wake up and immediately feel like I don't want to be awake. I usually eat and then go back to bed. It seems to take me most of the day to muster up the enthusiasm or at least the drive to go out to whatever I have to do in the evenings. I still have strange thoughts all the time, mostly about life and how it is that people just get up and go about their day. It's really weird... even when I'm watching TV, for example, I'll see a guest on the Jerry Springer show who is there to tell his wife that he is cheating on her with an albino midget or whatever, and all I think is, "How did that guy get out of bed this morning? How did he get up, wander into his kitchen, eat his cereal and have a shower without thinking about how weird and bizaare everything is? How did he get dressed and leave the house to go and have sex with the albino midget, feeling comfortable with himself and confident and not over-analyzing the things that he says and does??"

My mom is really pissed off at me because of my habit of sleeping and staying in the house most of the day. She's stopped talking to me about it and just sort of stomps around the house now and offers me icy responses to my questions. I feel pretty alone but at the same time, it seems that the less I talk about how I'm feeling, the more I am able to get on with things. I try to imagine living alone and how I would feel/cope if I didn't have my parents around all the time. In some weird way, I think having them around as a constant sounding board for my feelings is making me worse. I am really dissatisfied with my life and everything about myself at the moment. I've sort of been seeing this guy... well, not really, but we get baked, watch movies and sometimes we kiss. I met him at the hospital, actually, and I like spending time with him because I feel like I can talk about how I'm feeling... but the only thing is, he's kind of... not so smart. Not to be mean or anything, but his spelling is atrocious and he is not really as quick-witted as I would like. To make matters worse, I have a huge crush on his roomate, and in a drunken stupour last night, sent the roomate a FB message telling him that I think he's cute! DOH! He hasn't written back and I doubt that he will.

I wish I didn't do stupid things like sleep all day, get drunk and/or stoned every night and hit on people I should steer clear of. I really don't understand why my life has become this way and why I do the things that I do. I hate every day and the constant feeling of being ill at ease with myself and questioning everything I do. I hate myself for what I do but I can't seem to stop doing it, you know? Getting drunk or stoned is the only time when I feel confident and able to come out of my shell. If my counsellors knew this, they'd have a field day. I wish I was strong and independent and didn't have to answer to people like this. I wish that none of this had ever happened to me, that I had been able to continue on in my old life, feeling okay with decisions I had made and drinking without guilt or remorse and not looking elsewhere desperately for approval and assurance that I am okay and normal. I should not have to shell out tons of money for prescriptions and counselling appts and should not have to attend group therapy classes. I am almost 30 years old; I should be married or have kids, I should have a career and be running a household. I should see my parents twice or three times a year for holiday dinners and be glad to get away from them when the night is over.
Current Mood: blahblah
Current Music: Voyager - Daft Punk
28 August 2009 @ 03:32 pm
Things are still not great. It's this constant restlessness that plagues me day and night. When I am at home, I don't know what do to with myself. I pace, I smoke. I sit down and try to read my emails but find that I don't want to engage in that for longer than a minute. I don't want to pratice my guitar or do any housework. I continually sabotague myself by not going to work, only to find that I am grow exceedingly restless as the day wears on. I want to sleep to escape having to find something to do with myself. Even sitting down to write this entry is an effort.

When I am out with people, the same feeling applies. I feel anxiousness and stir-crazy, like I can't sit still and am consistently discontent with whatever I'm doing. I don't seem to be able to derive pleasure from anything anymore. I also can't seem to get out of my own head. I think constantly about how I'm feeling and can't just make myself go out and get on with the day, or enjoy any activities that the day may bring.

I have decided to go off of my drugs. Despite reading some pretty horrendous stories about side effects when doing so, I still feel that I want to have a clear head and to see if being drug free will make any sort of difference.

I just want to scream most of the time.
Current Mood: blahblah
Current Music: Architecture In Helsinki - Nevereverdid
25 August 2009 @ 05:34 pm
My presence weighs heavy upon this house. There is only anger and weariness in my parents' voices when they speak to me now. My episodes are constant fuel for their reactionary behavior. If I choose to stay in at night and sleep, I can see them visibly crumble. They only want me around when I am happy go-lucky Stef, not the person I am now. They have no more left to give.

Today they are full of malice and bitterness, they are angered by my pain. My father called my former counsellor behind my back to talk about 'options'. I saw my GP today and she basically closed the door in my face, telling me that she cannot refer me to a new psychiatrist, as I've already got such a gosh-darned good one.

Last night, I dreamed about Jonathan Brandis, that once-child actor from the Neverending Story II. As a young girl, I fancied him. I was surprised when he showed up in my dream, clear-eyed and with a broad grin.

I had just fled a school shooting where I was wounded through the right hand, in the exact same place as my self-inflicted cigarette burn. I entered a mall and saw him, coming up the escalator. He was golden and shining and every bit as lovely as I remembered.

I approached him, gushing, and introduced myself. He took my hand and squeezed it so hard that the bullet wound wept puss. There was something urgent about his handshake. Today I googled him and found out that he hung himself in 2003.

I am fleeing this place tonight. My presence hurts and brings down everyone around me. I am running away, just like a little child, running over to a friend's house to hide. I don't want to be the burden that I have become. As my teenage boyfriend Robin would have said to me, "You're a sinking ship. And even rats won't stay on a sinking ship."
Current Mood: blankblank
Current Music: Blitzen Trapper - Fire and Fast Bullets
24 August 2009 @ 08:12 pm
Things are still not great for me. I am in a low point, as we've taken to calling it, where I just constantly feel ill at ease and like I want to get away from myself. It's not even an "I'm feeling bad about myself" sort of thing... it's a literal feeling of dread and wanting to escape.

I didn't go to work today. I somehow seem to feel that, by sleeping in, I'll be able to miss the day, that it will pass right by me and I won't have to live it. Try as I might, though, the day is still there, and I still have to get up and accomplish things, and work through these terrible thoughts that assail me.

I went to the gym tonight and before my workout, I felt this utter terror and panic, as though I were going to go crazy or scream at any moment. When I get into these states, reality seems skewered. I fear the simplest, most mundane of tasks. The thought of spending time with friends, of being out and about, weighs on me with a heavy dread. I don't understand how it is that I have become this way and how other people sail through life without giving strange, extitential thoughts a passing glance.

No one really knows what is going on with me or what is causing this. Counsellors cannot offer anything much and I've been snowed with medication by my psychiatrist, but the feelings remain. Everyone tells me that it's all in my head and that I have to learn to help myself. I just wish I could get through the day without feeling this way. I've been praying a lot, bargaining with God, even claiming that, if He will make this subside, I will become confirmed at the church where I sing. I don't know if He can hear me.
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Current Music: Hot Chip - Crap Kraft Dinner
21 August 2009 @ 03:43 pm
This was a big decision for me, to come back here, to this shrine of the self. There was a time, a long period, in fact, when the dazzling superficiality of Facebook and absorbtion into the world of celebrity gossip and fashion blogs was all I needed. I was strong, vibrant, fearless, caring nothing for the inner working of the soul and the tedious ritual of navel-gazing. I had a live-in love, a full time job, an arsenal of beautiful friends, a social card jam-packed with parties, BBQs, beach days, camping trips, dinner parties and other engagements. I was complete.

So much has happened over the past two years of my life and most of it tumultuous. And so it is that I return here, to a ghosttown that no longer boasts a populace, having long since been foresaken by those few voyeurs who once enjoyed a peek into my life as it was back then. I don't know that anyone will read this and I'm not sure that I care. I am not that same Missy anymore, if indeed I ever was at all.

Morgan is gone and painfully so. He literally wants nothing more to do with me and is blissfully ensconsed in a new relationship with a 23 year-old who describes herself as a 'post-modernist, impossibilist Marxist', or something to that effect. The boy who was supposed to take Morgan's place turned out to be just that, a boy and nothing more. Suddenly there was nothing but a terrible void where everything that Morgan gave me used to me. I had to give up my beautiful little condo, our condo, and move back in with parents.

The depression and anxiety have been overwhelming for months now. I can barely work because it's hard for me to get out of bed. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin and hate being around myself and with myself, day in and day out. I was accepted into university this coming term, but ended up having to differ my entry for another year.

I have been in the psych ward here in Victoria and in psychiatric emergency multiple times. I have cut myself with razor blades, burned myself with cigarettes, OD'ed on benzodiazapines and anti-psychotics. I feel often that my skin is crawling, that I would do anything to get away from this fleshy prison that encases me. I am stuck relying on the support of my parents, who fumble and dodder about, trying to make heads or tails of what is wrong with me. No one really knows what the problem is.

A counsellor I've been seeing for months has given up on me, telling me there is nothing more she can do for me. I have been labelled as having various personality disorders and dependent traits. My days are little more than cycles of smoking and sleeping, avoiding the prying eyes and disappointed words of my mother, and playing oh so much guitar in an effort to dispell the gloom.

I am at such a low, and feel so far from who I was when I started this journal. I no longer revel in my own wit and joy at the prospect of sharing myself with others. I feel as though I have nothing to offer, that I have no one and, what's worse, that I want nothing. I no longer care about or feel interested in romance. My self esteem has been decimated and I can't seem to feel a sense of pride, accomplishment, happiness or satisfaction in anything. Like an itch that I cannot scratch, I am always yearning for something more, something beyond myself.
Current Mood: discontentdiscontent
Current Music: Leonard Cohen - Suzanne
02 August 2007 @ 09:36 pm
So, where have *I* been, you ask?

To the ends of the earth and back.

Up to my armpits in it again, and loving it.
11 July 2007 @ 10:40 pm
Camping was amazing. So was floating at Durrance Lake this afternoon, on what was officially the Hottest Day of the Year (35 + degrees??) Everything's just a jolly bowl of cherries right now.. too bad I don't feel like talking about any of it!

Instead, I feel the need to vent my extreme aggravation at the fact that I feel as though I'm constantly living my life for someone else, censoring myself, being something that I am not, abstaining from the things in life that make me happy (such as potato chips and cigarettes), and hating every minute of it.

So there! ARGH!

And... scene.
05 July 2007 @ 11:50 pm
If anyone cares, I'm off to picturesque Port Alberni tomorrow to perform with the Doukhobors at Forest Fest, and to (in the inimitable words of Bryce Wray) "camp the shit out of it" over the weekend at Sproat Lake.

I'm sure that many hilarious and hideous events will transpire. I'll be back with an update shortly!

Unless a bear eats me.

Either way, it's kind of a win-win.
Current Mood: excitedexcited
Current Music: the Colbert Report
29 June 2007 @ 09:45 pm
When someone tells you that they're only happy when you hate them, you have no choice but to try. It's the least you can do.

I'm tired. I can barely stay awake later than 10:30 p.m. lately. I attribute this to the 7 a.m. shifts that I am slowly become accustomed to, and also perhaps to the fact that I've been working out obsessively, doggedly, five or six days a week now, in an effort to perfect the physical while the spiritual slowly decays.

I'm smoking again, a lot, all day, and I don't care because the damage hasn't started to show on the outside yet. Mentally, I'm a total wreck, grasping at straws, feeling bitter and resentful of any and all happy endings, looking for reasons when there are none. Outwardly, however, I continue to improve. I'm getting thinner, stronger, I've even started tanning in an ultraviolet coffin in the constant pursuit of perfection.

I've always been one for irony.
Current Mood: blahblah
Current Music: Dizzy Rascal
27 June 2007 @ 06:08 pm
I am now ready to assume my throne as the Queen of Awkward Moments That Could Otherwise Have Been Avoided Had I Even A Modicum of Common Sense.

I can't see any way to make this situation tolerable. Stony silence crushes me, polite pleasantries madden me, casual jokes just leave me wanting more.

That squirrel had the right idea. Too bad he didn't have the nuts to get the job done.
Current Mood: sadsad
Current Music: Justice - The Party